Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
