I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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