New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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