There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My feet surprised me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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