I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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