Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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