Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
