I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
