My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
