so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
