I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
