The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
