yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
