I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
My penis needs a shock collar
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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