Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
