I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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