Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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