I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
