im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This toilet bowl is my home.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
