508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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