Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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