Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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