Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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