I want to have your abortion
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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