Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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