here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
