Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
