i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You ruined the universe
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
