Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
