I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Everclear isn't food dammit
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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