I feel like abortions should bother me more
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
