I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
