U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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