Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
