a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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