Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
