and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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