Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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