So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
