I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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