my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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