Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
