But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
