Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
