I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
