6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
