i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
