in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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