my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
