he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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