If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
